My Toilet Could Beat Up the Transformers

OK, so it's just got a heated seat, but it still looks more advanced than most American cell phones. Japanese cell phones look more advanced than most American sci-fi movie props.

This is Matt, blogging for you as promised. And I must begin by saying, my first week was just about as awesome as Abby's. I can't remember the last time I was so happy to be somewhere, let alone the last time I was doing something so rewarding. Sharing the experience with Abby makes me want to write embarrassingly sappy things on an otherwise perfectly serviceable blog post, so instead I'll cut to the funny.

I had to talk about Hiroshima on my first day. The third-year textbook contains a story called "A Mother's Lullaby" about a young boy taking shelter from the flames under a tree and being comforted by a young woman who successfully tricks him into thinking she's his mother long enough for them both to die a little less miserably. "Please," said the teacher I'd just started working for, "read and the class will repeat after you." I'm not sure if I did it or not, because my memory of the experience is that I went fetal and muttered I'msorryI'msorryI'msorry until it was all over, but I can't remember anyone acting like I'd done anything wrong, so either way they must feel they're getting their money's worth out of this American cowboy.

My self-introduction lesson is going well, except for one bit: all that cool stuff I know about Japan kind of goes over the kids' heads. I'm not just talking about the academic stuff from my Master's program in Japanese culture, though it was a little awkward when I mentioned loving the work of Higuchi Ichiyo and explaining to children who didn't know that author's name that she's on their freaking money. No, this extends to the music, books, games, movies, shows, etc. that I thought would impress them and instead garner one of two responses:

1) Who? What? Wait, wasn't that, like, popular five years ago?

2) Shibui, naa. (How refined! = You are an old, old man.)

So, in an attempt to get current, I've taken the kids' suggestions. One has been fairly nightmarish: the current Big Trend amongst Japanese middle schoolers is a band called AKB48, so called because it is essentially 48 Miley Cyruses singing and dancing in unison, and then going up to cameras and saying vague and demographically-targeted things that let boys obsessively fantasize about them and girls dream about being their friends. I want to see the bright side of this -- I want to view this as some kind of Phil Spector fever dream that creates a wall of sound that's worth paying attention to -- but it's hard to when the students take the time between classes to show me pictures of their favorites and ask me who's cuter, the high-school-aged idol or Abby.

The second is slightly more fun. For the upcoming Sports Day Festival (think junior high Color War with harsher consequences for losing and larger cheering sections), teachers wear hats while guiding the proceedings. I needed to get a hat, and when the only MLB caps I found at Sports Authority were Yankees, Dodgers and Mariners (for those of you who don't know me, I consider each of those three teams roughly tantamount to the aforementioned Hiroshima tragedy), I settled on one for the team most of the students support: the Chunichi Dragons. (Tom Selleck played for the Dragons in Mr. Baseball, for fans of terrible old sports movies.) I spent that night researching them, and now I'm a sad little supporter. So yeah, uh, we're only half a game back now from the horrible Hanshin Tigers, and if we can just avoid a tie in the next game we might overtake them and repeat 2007's championship win! ...Or whatever, it's not like I care or anything.

My school (Nagamori South) is a little less sporty than Abby's, though, and instead has a championship English speech team. I've come to be their editor and pronunciation coach. Their main coach is a professional translator who pushes them pretty hard, but it's really great to see their faces light up when I tell them (truthfully) that they could beat the English speech teams of most American junior high schools. One of them (the coach's son) is a huge Eddie Murphy fan who wants to do a comedic performance, and we're totally encouraging him. I wish I could show him what Murphy can really do in Mr. Robinson's Neighborhood, but that might not be as helpful as I think.

I can barely wait to get back to school on Monday. Abby and I come back with more stories than we have time in the evening to tell each other every day. We'll try to remember some of the best and collect them in a post for you. For now, though, I'll just say that the job is hilarious and wonderful and rewarding and lots of other things besides. I hope you're all doing well, too. I will leave you with words of wisdom from Abby's little bear tea mug: He is always on the lookout for happenings. You would all do well to share that little bear's vigilance. Y'know... for happenings.